On Tuesday, we continued with our Lenten retreat called From Here to Eternity: How to Live and Die Well. During this third session, I again talked about death as the birthing process into eternal life and our roles as midwives to our loved ones. To this well, we need to know more about the dying process and what are the needs of the dying. There are things we can do or say that help and there are things we can do or say that are less helpful. We cannot get it right all the time, but if we can become more informed about the needs of the sick and dying then we get it right most of the time.
Here, I made some distinctions between our needs in the grieving process as we deal with the anticipatory grief of losing of loved ones and their needs as a dying person with both anticipatory grief and grief from the loss of so many things already before they die. We need to help them to carry the reality of their suffering and dying and be aware of our own losses with them. I made note about a number of different things to watch out for as we walk this journey such as feelings of relief, regrets, tears, helpful and not-so-helpful words, fault-finding, resentments, and many other losses that we incur in this period.
Then, I gave some realities of what happens to a dying person. For example, the sense of hearing is one of the last senses to go. We need to assume that the person can hear us until their last breath. Many people, including doctors, talk about them at the foot of their bed as if they cannot hear. We know that most of the time they can hear easily and sometimes object to be talked about as if they were already dead!
Giving the dying person agency of their last days is incredibly important. They have lost so much already, giving them control of how and where they pass into eternal life is a source of great comfort. This will require us to be good listeners and not try to solve every problem but listen attentively to their pain as it can be immense. Also, something that is super important is being simply present to them in their suffering. We do not need to use many words as we can often use the wrong words. Just being present to them in loving silence is hard but very powerful. That will require us to be centered ourselves and thus the need for daily prayers for ourselves.
The sense of touch is also one of the last senses to go. Often, elderly and the sick have a heightened need for touch as they grow older or sicker, especially the dying. They loved to be gently hugged or touched on the shoulders, hands or arms. Just sitting in silence as you hold their hand can be powerfully healing in those last moments. I remember my brother Paul’s last night at the hospital before he died. He didn’t want to die alone and asked me to stay. I held his hand for 6 hours straight to reassure him that I was not leaving and we were together as he took the final journey home. It gave him great comfort and it gave me a lasting positive memory to hold onto for life.
Next week we will continue the list of needs of the dying and how we can continue to love them through this transition into eternal life. Then I will illustrate what helps us die well and how important it is to leave some energy and strength for the dying process. In this last stage, I will talk about how we can help them to choose gratitude and joy as they die and what role we play in those last days or hours. Please invite someone to join you and come join us for fourth session on Tuesday, April 12. This session will be longer than the others and be 90 at 7-8:30 p.m. If you cannot make it in person, then watch it livestream at: From Here To Eternity Schedule – YouTube
Finally, I encourage you to come for the last Stations of the Cross, Friday, April 8. The Youth Core team will put on the Living Stations of the Stations and John Angotti will sing some of his most beautiful songs. This week, the soup supper will be first at 6:00 p.m. followed by the Stations of the Cross at approximately 6:30 p.m. or so. John Angotti will be here next weekend for all Palm Sunday Masses, April 9-10 and enhance all the choirs, cantors and musicians. Invite a friend to join you as you attend Church.
God Bless,
Fr. Brendan